“Good Manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse.”
Rev. Jonathan Swift
The minute you start gigging, you suddenly realize that a very important part of your work is talking to people. It makes sense. As musicians we get a front row seat at some of the most important moments in people’s lives, and generally they are excited, stressed, drunk, overwhelmed, frustrated, showing off, and good material for the stories you can tell later.
I wish I had kept a journal of my gigging life. Then again, some things are best forgotten.
Like the time I was playing background music at an outdoor reception — happy in my little bubble of artsiness — until a woman came to stand just behind me. I assumed, by standing so close, that I was playing one of her favorite songs. I took things up a notch in enthusiasm, really putting my heart into that rendition!
The song ended. I acknowledged my watcher, expecting some appreciative remark, or maybe a nice conversation.
“My!” she said, “That was a LONG song, wasn’t it?”
People just say weird things.
Of course, that is hardly the worst thing anyone said to me when I took my tender ego out of its hiding place, but it has become one of my metaphor phrases, whenever I sense there’s a mismatch between my music and my audience. I smile and think, yes, that was a long song.
So what do we do, as artists, when clueless remarks hurt our feelings?
Spending many hours a day locked in a practice room does not prepare you for the human side of performance. If anything, it reinforces all our introverted impulses.
Being sensitive to music often means being sensitive — full stop. Have you been labeled as “too sensitive?” Of course we are! That doesn’t mean we are stuck in an endless destructive cycle of reacting to all the insensitive comments people throw at us.
And, sometimes, they really aren’t being mean. Sometimes, people are just awkwardly, ineffectually, trying to make a connection, and don’t have social skills to do it well.
Here’s a few of the more innocent, (if a bit tedious), things people say, and my suggestions for gracious responses.
How many people have joked “Don’t you wish you played the flute?” Oh please don’t roll your eyes. Smile, laugh, and joke back. I finally came up with “Well, it’s SO much easier than moving my piano.” Ta Da, now I made a new friend that eagerly holds the door open for me and carries my gig bag.
People will want to tell you all about the harpist they know “who is really good!” This is a hard one, but be interested and ask questions. They are probably just looking for a point of connection.
My favorite: “Can you play (fill in name of obnoxious metal tune or band)” followed by guffaws. Maybe ask them to hum a few bars and laugh with them. I regret all the times I let this make me grumpy. What’s your response?
Of course, there’s an endless variety of angels & heaven bits. I usually told them “When I get to heaven it’s someone else’s turn. I’ll be dancing!” Maybe I should have asked them what instrument they would be playing? Want to share your ideas?
Sometimes people say things that are ignorantly or intentionally hurtful. That deserves a post by itself. But if you have thoughts, advice, or questions on that circumstance, please send them to me!
